Makimono-kun

So, I've been back into Naruto (not that it was ever not a part of me) and I have to say reliving the memories and nostalgia is one of hardest and best feelings. It's like, those characters are the ones I went through growing up with. I was 11 when I first started reading and watching Naruto- nearly the same age as Sasuke, Naruto and Sakura when the series picks up. They were kids like me, and like me had their own issues to deal with. It was one of those shows that made a kid feel like they could actually make a difference if they tried hard enough. They didn't need an adult around all the time to figure things out, and since my little brother and I were often alone, it taught me that sometimes I needed to step up and overcome my own issues with my own strength.

That show made me feel complete. Strong, even. Heh, as a kid, Naruto was the world I escaped to. In my mind, my best childhood friends were team 7- and still are. Kakashi sensei taught me valuable lessons. It was like I could train to be a shinobi right along with them. And when I lost my aunt, great grandmother and grandmother, Sasuke past taught me that when we lose someone it doesn't me we have to lose our strength. He proved that you could be vulnerable and strong at the same time. Carry on with the memory and honor of our lost loved ones on our shoulders. It made me strong, helped me stop my tears.

Years have gone by since those first days with my team, but I'll always remember it like yesterday. This show is that important to me, honestly. Call me a weeabo, call me an otaku, I don't care. I know what I am, and I know that this show will never not be a part of who I am today. That's why when I see the newest filler arc, "Kakashi: Shadow of the ANBU" I feel a great sense joy and sadness at the same time. Seeing flash backs to when everything started, getting to see my friends as the children I remember them as breaks my heart in such a good way. Those are the people who shaped me, and getting to see what shaped them is just as important to me. So many complain about filler arcs, how they just want the canon back on track, but for me it's these arcs that I look forward to. Of course I am anxious to see how this will all come to an end. I want to know what Kishi has in store for us.

But, even still, seeing my friends as the kids that they are in my memories makes me smile. I loved the Konoha history arc, and this new one. Call me a sucker for nostalgia.

You wouldn't be wrong.

My DA is starting look like a ghost town, to be honest. I've been drawing- just not posting (I'm terrible, right?) I just felt like it was all kinda experimental and doodles not worth posting. Buuuuuuuttttt, I want to breathe a little life back into this page. Art. Moar art. All the arts.

Sooooo, I'm finally updating this profile again, in what?- like months? I don't know how long it has been since I honestly logged in and tuned my brain in, to be honest.

I've taken a large step away from being glued to my computer like I used to be, mostly in part to situations in my own personal life. I don't want to go into grave detail, not because it's that gruesome, but because I don't feel like dumping my issues on people anymore.

So, let me try to get most of the heavy topic out of the way, and update a bit on where I am in my life now. Honestly, not to far from where I was. I have been sorting out family shit still (lol that never ends, does it?) but I believe the major difference now is that I have made a point to stand my ground and take myself out of toxic situations. The universe is always testing us, and I suppose I finally decided to pick up the pencil and begin my exam. Losing my mother- the family structure I relied on- gave me a slap in the face and as much as I fought it when I was younger, I think it was a lot harder on me than I would have ever admitted. The brilliance of being a rebellious teenager, I suppose.

I wanted so bad to block out the effect it had on me, so much so that I didn't realize what I was doing to others. I needed them around me, but I didn't want to be hurt again, so I kept them at arms length. I was wrong, of course. Keeping them away from me was just like walking away myself. I accept that now. The people I've lost left not because they hated me but because living with my luke warm excuse for friendship wasn't enough to keep the light alive.

I know realizing all that now doesn't help anyone but myself in the future, and I know that I still have trust issues to the point I fade away if I feel like someone is becoming invested in me. It isn't something I have become mature enough or seasoned enough to learn how to surpass. I'm still afraid of people.

I finally said it.

Okay, that takes care of where mentally I have been, but now for the physicality of my life. Busy, very busy. I've been busy with building my portfolio, managing the social stuffs- I can't get out of needing to be face to face with people, can I? lol. This summer my brother and I are looking into getting a job together at a craft store-- exciting, yes? It will give us both an opportunity to be in an atmosphere that we both love; crafting! Making things has been something we've both loved since we were little, and I'd like to get a chance to really immerse in a comfortable place of art while I am currently studying it.

Speaking of art: Cosplay! Sakura-con!
It is just around the corner, so the past few months have been a crunch of getting everything sewn, glued, sanded, painted, and nailed into place. I am so excited, this is the first time that I have literally made everything by myself! All sewing, painting, and crafting was done by me. Same for my brother on his costumes! Kudos to us for figuring out how to sew finally, even if it's late to the party haha. 7 years into cosplay and finally I amend to no more liquid-stitch (unless it's needed, that is) It's been a real, grueling, day-to-night project for this crunch time. Hopefully, we'll be all wrapped up in a week or so. Con is so close!!

Originally, I had planed to make Yuri Lowell cosplay from the game Tales of Vesparia, but my broke ass couldn't afford to start until I had saved up some money, and I ran out of adequate time to make everything. My brother was going to be Flynn Scifo, but of course ran into a similar snag. Hopefully, next year we can debut those costumes! (with a full time job we should be able to get it together much faster)

This year's line up will be:

Full Course For Candy Addict, Kamui Gakupo (my bro will be Kaito)
Ao no Exorcist, Okumura Rin (my bro as Yukio, woot!)


Alrighty then, I believe I have blabbered enough for one post and then some. In short, I'm a mess like always, I figured out how much of an ass I've been- and how to sew to boot. Plans for the future? Post some actual art on here because I have actually gotten better with a little practice-- imagine that lol.

I love you all (who ever might still be around to read this) Know that I never meant to leave anyone behind, I just needed some more time to grow up (and probably still do) and figure my shit out so to speak. Mwah! Love you, lovelies.

~Aroun

Hey guys,

I... I am in a state of bittersweet bliss-- if that can even be. I just got back from Sakura-con 2013 about four hours ago or so, and I still can't get my head out of the halls of the Washington state convention center. The laughter, the music, the smiles, the panels and premiers-- the memories being made, more than anything.

Con, to me, is the one place in physical life that I can feel completely free. Like I have nothing to live up to and nothing for me to conform down to. My leash is off, and socially awkward as I am, I can handle being talked to and seen. It's a feeling I really can't explain, especially when many don't understand what it is like to live two selves in one being. On the outside, I am who everyone needs me to be. On the inside, the person I get to be at con and on the internet, I am who I feel I really am in my heart. Being at con, being myself along with so many others like me, is a release I cannot begin to verbalize. It is heaven.

Now that it is over, the bitter part mixes with the sweet. It is, honestly, like coming down from an amazing high. In just three days, I have spent more time laughing, talking, taking pictures and just being the kid I am on the inside than I get to in my everyday life. Anime, as nerdy or Otaku-ish as it might sound, has honestly changed my life for the better.

I wish that con could last forever, I wish that I did not have to give up the rush I have been on, but all good things come to an end. I just wish they didn't.

In the words of Mephisto Pheles to quote a man he once made a wager with: "Stop time. Thou art so beautiful."

Peace out guys~

I almost did something really stupid tonight... and I am barely keeping myself from tripping up still.

Due to recent events, I am-- by my own shortcomings and personal failures-- in a very dark place once again. I don't want to admit it, but I am retracting from the light of humanity again. I just want to curl away into my shadows and disappear at this point, as I have done once again what I had thought I had learned to rise above. Hurting people is in my blood, it is in everything I do... And, I am sick of destroying those around me. I have done it again, god I have done it again.

It hurts to think, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to realize who and what I am. I will never escape my mistakes. I had hoped I would be able to, I had hoped I had learned... But I haven't learnt anything. Nothing at all. I am still what I was, and what I always will be.

If you are someone whom considers me a friend, I urge you to consider your own well-being before thinking me as such. I don't know how to function properly, I break under pressure, and I know I can only hurt more people if I let them near to me. I want friends... But someone like me, I just don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything, to be honest. I never have.

I am hoping I can tuck this ugliness away by morning, so my family will not have to see it or find my mistake. Until then, I needed to vent a bit. I will likely remove this soon, if I manage to hit post at all. I am not coherent right now, and I really don't know why I am typing at all. I should wait. I should not say anything at all.

I will pull myself back behind my walls by tomorrow, and no one will know anything has happened. I will be who they always see, as I should be. I will be as strong as I know I can be, I will lock it all up, and I will make it til the end of this month at least. My brother needs me then, and I will pull through for him. Today I did a lot of self-review, and I called my own actions back under scrutiny. I was able to tear open old wounds, and remember exactly why they were there in the first place. I was able to see the me that is always inside this shell. I know what I am, what I am capable of... It scared me. I don't want to see it anymore. I don't think I will try.

It is the reason I should be alone. The reason I have lost countless chances at friendship, the reason that my boyfriend left me, the reason friends have left me too... It-- me-- is the only reason I have left to blame.

But, like I said, this will be gone by tomorrow. I will not open it til I break again, I will not let anyone see it in my face then. My mask is cracked, but thankfully, it still fits. I will keep studying, keep writing, keep drawing and creating, and by the end of the month I will take my little brother to our favourite convention for the first time by ourselves. It was suppose to be a special time, and I will make it that for him. I will hold it together if only I can be allowed to break open this once. I am done now, I think. I'd like to sleep for a while.

Lisa, I am sorry. I am so sorry.

I couldn't get on to talk to you tonight, I couldn't when I have no strength left to talk. Please, allot me some time, I will put myself together again. I will. Goodnight.